Subtle shifts in your twisted carved eyes, a piercing blackness takes the night. One moment you’re human & the next…a monster without a conscious, triggered by an imagined slight. Your words are just words, but they bleed poison into my  trembling skin. I fight for my life & I’m losing as the helplessness once more settles in. Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me are words I cannot say out loud. Hours later, all I can do is try to forget my thoughts as they disintegrate into lifeless, grey storm clouds.

No one hears me in the shower, glacial waters subdue the noise, there’s no running from the ruin you leave behind. Your rage, as always, replaced by a bleeding heart & you’re too perfectly normal & calculatingly kind.

Smile, you tell me. Just put a smile on your face. I secretly wonder…what ever stole your soul & left a fallen, damned angel in its place…

Every passing second you mirror ever constant, changing winds & there’s no telling of your next play. My only hope is to bow my head in surrender, stay quiet, unequivocally pledge my devotion to obey. It broke my heart to see the two people I trusted the most, chain me willingly to despair. Trust shattered beyond all measure, & your love has no power for the repairs.

Love wasn’t meant to feel this way….maybe it wasn’t love at all. Does it fill the void when you tower over everyone else, do the scars you leave me with make you feel tall?

I was angry for a long time….tasting only bitter tears…..secretly chasing my own kind of revenge in long, lonely years. I couldn’t break the denial, couldn’t accept the truth. I lost so much in those dark moments, at times I miss the innocence of my stolen youth.

Love is kind…& love is true.

I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor & I will never be alone.

But you…

You have no love to give, a cruel heart, & no real humanity under those hardened, shallow bones. Sometimes you can love a monster & it won’t change them, they are what they are. Because even in the most beautiful days, their hatred & contempt never strays very far…

Why couldn’t you stop yourself before you crossed that line? How can you justify all the times you killed me, then pretended everything was more than fine?

I want to let you go…I want peace after the war. I made a promise to myself back then…love would be the only reason I live for.

I’m here now & may every day be a blessing in my mind. May love & joy be all you have in this life, may happiness be what you always find.

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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