I wished for a long time to be saved….

Saved from my broken home, from my endless pain, from my empty life. It’s a difficult truth to accept but all this time wishing, hoping, holding onto false illusions, I failed in a major way. A way I now see with incredible clarity.

I failed to be my own hero. I failed to wake up every morning & ask myself, what do I need to feel valid, heard, seen, appreciated, loved by myself? I wanted to feel all these things, but I kept looking outside for a sense of worth & love. All the external validation & love in the world will not make you love yourself if you simply don’t.  It won’t ever make you whole. That work can only come from within. It takes time, patience, & compassion to do.

I wasted many years, blaming others for what happened to me. I wasted even more being angry, afraid, & vindictive. I drowned myself in self pity, drinking more & more of shame, guilt, & hopelessness. At some point, I didn’t want out. I didn’t want to get better. I wanted to stay hidden in the shadows, in the dark, where my pain & my past became a familiar but dangerous friend. But the truth is, I became crippled by fear. I made excuses. I threw around an outcry for all the injustice in the world. And it only left me in a stronger, more powerful prison.

My prayers to be saved have become silent & calm. For this is the moment I finally see a path I never have before.

I have to be my own hero now. I have to be the one to love myself, to honor my heart, & to ultimately find the peace within. For no one can do this for me. This responsibility is in my hands alone. I’ve tried for so long to escape it, but every part of me is exhausted & worn from running away. I need to face my self for the first time.

I cannot save you. I cannot change you. I cannot make you see. But I can save me. I can change me. I can learn to see my self fully with eyes of love, kindness, & acceptance.

It’s time to save myself.

It’s time to become my own hero.

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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