I don’t want to talk about me…don’t want to draw attention to these scars. Pulling away from you to be closer to me & trying not to think about how the nightmares got this far.
There’s more to the story, sometimes it’s about what wasn’t said or done. Without a connection love slowly & painful dies…the love was lost ages before fear convinced itself it had finally won.
I just…wanted you to hold me, to comfort away my troubles & childish tears. But my heart developed layers & layers of coldness after each lonely, depressing year…you both were caught up in your own secret affairs. I’m not mad at you for it, I need to tell you I always cared. Every action has a consequence & I know why you had to be elsewhere. Does it make it okay? I don’t know. We’re all human & eventually we reap what we sow. For me it was like trying to love someone who couldn’t love themselves, the neglect left a deeper disconnection & sorrow that’s difficult to outgrow.
I have to forgive…it’s part of letting go. The coldness in your touch, the rage in your eyes, the fake smiles…eventually the trauma had no choice but to one day show.
I know you did your best to raise me…& I’m still trying to heal. You tell me it was love, but when you silenced me…. nothing else seemed to matter & everything you did for me after just didn’t feel real. I want to open my heart to love you, I just can’t carry on your patterns of heartbreaking dependency. I want for myself a different life, one of unconditional love & one I can live independently.
It’s the only way I can feel free.
&
I want to be free.
