I was thirteen…when I was killed, metaphorically.
Do you think my heart could heal after what you did, rhetorically.
Tiny shards of glass memories, broken & torn deep within my heart.
Healing is a process but at times it feels as if the emotions tear my love apart.
Sitting at the table, a school book resting underneath my arms.
A second later I’m on the ground & the look in your eyes only promises harm.
Just a moment in time, running hopelessness throughout.
The rage & the hate is what you cannot live without.
I replay the pain a million different ways,
Nothing in the past could ever make me feel okay.
110 pounds, five foot four.
One look at me & you always knew the score.
Silence me with your threats,
Tell me to make a move I wouldn’t live to regret.
Grab me again to let me know who’s boss,
Don’t mind my tears & innocence I lost.
Skipping school, sleeping in…
Don’t worry honey, your nightmares are just about to begin.
Eyes downcast the the floor,
You ask me if I want more.
Heavy, baggy sweatshirts worn in the middle of summer,
Angry outbursts & lonely isolation but keep telling yourself you love her.
Barely hanging onto life, every day inching closer to defeat.
In my darkest moments, I still believed I needed you to be complete.
Never the same after
You destroyed my soul & stole my laughter.
And I never had any power…
Wishing for it to end hour after hour.
That could have been the end of my story,
You could have had my life & all the glory.
I lost myself in you,
Never thought my life could begin anew.
Close my eyes, recall your voice &
All I hear is lies, lies, lies.
I hate you, I love you & it’s killing me.
An angel & a devil in you is all I can ever see.
Hurt me to show me you love me, lessons you taught.
No remorse in you, only sorry you were ever caught.
Bury me in revenge under a starless sky,
You cut my wings so you alone could fly.
Falling towards the end,
Find me in a place where shattered souls can mend.
The more I focus my attention on you, the less I have to fight.
I know it’s wrong to hold on, but sometimes I don’t want to face what’s right.
Moving on is accepting what cannot be changed.
No one really knows how our lives are universally arranged.
I hate you for the girl you killed in me.
But the hardest part was forgiving myself to find a way to break free.
You don’t know the damage you have left me with, & somehow I still have to be okay.
I don’t want my present & future to have you in every last word I’ll ever say.
I’m too tired to chase after what you could never give.
I have to let you go completely in order to live.
You being who you are, that’s your true punishment I know.
Sometimes pain, if we let it, can lead us to eventually grow.
Love will heal these scars beautifully, & I’ll give it time.
After the storm, a rainbow will always shine.