Relapsed today but not in the conventional way…
When my mind recalled the memories I fell into familiar cycles,
Ate until I was sick to my stomach, heart rate slowed in my bed, elevated vitals.
It’s not what I want or need, but addiction never takes heed.
Cautionary tales, I know them all by name.
I repeat the patterns, my heart no longer feels the same.
Triggered by the expectations of being let down by you,
No matter what I say, you always see right through.
And I ask myself….is that all you’ve got?
Stop forcing yourself to be someone you’re not.
There’s only so long you can hide behind your own lies,
A sadness comes with saying good byes.
I don’t miss you anymore & it scares me more than it should.
A part of me still struggling to believe life could be happy, meaningful, & more than good.
What do you do when the past no longer haunts you? When you know it’s time to let it all go…
Just let it go…
Raindrops fall on my bare face,
Love somehow has its own saving grace.
You were a hit & run,
The past cannot be undone.
For the first time I didn’t chase after you into the storm.
I know I’m the one to keep myself safe & warm.
& healing is found in building a new internal paradise.
Fear no longer holds the power to paralyze.
I once changed myself to fit into your lines.
Then I had to accept I was created this way by design.
I was never going to be what you wanted me to be.
You never were a part of my own identity.