You lift me up.
You pull me down.
You keep me safe.
You let me drown.
Every word is a game, every act is a play.
My mind is worn from getting through the day.
When you grow up with abuse, you don’t know another way.
Insults, threats, fights, control becomes normalized and okay.
Denial is a hard protective shell.
It kept me alive through a familiar kind of hell.
How could someone I love turn on me like this.
Why are they someone I can’t help but miss.
I remember thinking…
What did I do wrong?
Was this monster here, in you all along?
Was it something I did, to make you this way.
Why do you silence my heart and the words I wanted to say.
Abuse happens in other families, this can’t be real.
But denial stands in the way of how I need to heal.
Closed doors and blocked memories.
But you can no longer tell me how my life will be.
I loved you and I needed you to protect me.
But all this time…
All this time you were the one who clipped my wings.
But I want to find love, a love you could not give.
In your shadows and pain, it’s no way for me to live.