He was once all powerful in my mind.

Invincible.

Unstoppable.

Godlike.

Perfect.

Never wrong.

Through a child’s eyes, this was what he was to me.

But my mind was broken.

My thoughts were twisted.

He washed my brain with his own agenda.

He replaced my heart with his emptiness.

And my love with fear.

But after the war.

When it was all over…

The same fear he controlled me with…still remained.

He was gone but I still had his shadows.

Fighting in battles no longer real.

Clinging to the pain in memories.

He once took my power.

Smiled as I fell down.

But now I was giving my power away.

Learned helplessness.

I had learned how to be a victim.

I had been conditioned in this way.

His words…his world view had become my own.

Woven and within my identity.

No part of me was left untouched.

Scars and tears, were all I had left.

But after the wreckage…there’s always a choice.

I could keep being a victim…

I could reply the pain over and over again in the movies I made in my head…

Or I could leave.

I could stop buying tickets to the same story.

Watching it every hour of the day.

A story where the ending is always the same.

It was insanity.

Watching every scene…mesmerizing every single detail.

Hoping for a miracle, for the ending to change.

But replaying the past doesn’t change it.

Telling myself I’m still the same powerless and helpless girl…is a lie I no longer have to believe.

I don’t want to believe it anymore.

I’m not all powerful.

I’m not perfect in any way.

I’ve made more mistakes than I can count.

Hurt people along the way.

But I wouldn’t trade who I am for anything else in the world.

There are moments I am brave.

Days I am left vulnerable.

There are times I am weak.

And times I feel strong and worthy.

Part of being human is struggling to find your way.

To create meaning of your own.

A life you can be proud of.

I’m still learning.

Growing.

Healing.

But I cherish every day.

Every moment I have.

This was never a battle against him.

This was a war within myself.

And all I had to do to win was choose.

Choose the present over past.

Life over death.

Love over fear.

 

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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