The unspoken rules….
And expectations.
I grew up this way.
Don’t show emotions.
Keep it all in.
Smile.
You’re nothing.
You’re worthless.
Pathetic.
Selfish.
His words were in my head for an entire lifetime.
Repeating countless times.
Don’t step out of line.
Don’t fight back.
Be quiet.
Stay silent.
Don’t speak.
Everything meant to keep me chained to tears, guilt, shame, pain.
He needed someone to dominate.
To control.
To push down.
To break.
Undoing the conditioning is the hardest part.
Not feeling afraid…
If I do this…
If I say this…
The fear of punishment stays with me.
But its hold is lessening…
I keep telling myself…
He can’t hurt you anymore.
You don’t have to be afraid.
Some days are easier than others.
But the fight is always worth it.
Because I’m never going to give up.
He was a broken man.
He liked to break people too.
But in this way he failed…
He failed.
Because I’ll keep loving.
I’ll keep living.
My head held without fear.
It’s going to take time to stop seeing unreal threats.
It’s going to be a while before it doesn’t get to me.
But I know it will happen.
The best part of leaving him…
Was finding me.
