i breathe you in, i breathe you out.
you intimidate me with your level of clout.
because you have armies on your side.
some days all i do is stay in bed and hide.
you made me a prisoner, but you were one first.
it must have been impossible to live the way you lived, in constant unquenched thirst.
he projected his fears onto me.
but he was the one who played his own games endlessly.
it took me time to see…he was living in his own, unbreakable prison.
his own heart, he would never stop long enough to listen.
i don’t pity him, but i understand.
he had to control everything and lost it when it didn’t go according to what was planned.
fragile egos, delicate walls they fell apart.
no one, not even him, could break through the defenses along his heart.
violence was his version of love, control was his kind of care.
desperate for connection, but rage was all he had the capacity to share.
he never had love for himself, never found the courage to get much needed attention.
around him, it was always eggshells and a running, fearful sense of tension.
you could never reach him…he lived in his own delusions and invisible inventions.
he was all alone in his own kingdom of rage.
an unaware prisoner of the makings of his own cage.
sympathies but no excuses for what he chose.
covering his insecurities and self doubts, the reason for his shows.
he was fearful every moment of being revealed and exposed.
the walls and doors around him, shut down and forever closed.
a ticking time bomb…ready at the slightest trigger to explode.
but he lived his life with rigid rules and perfect curated codes.
somewhere along the way…me and him took different roads.
when i was far enough…my heartbeats slowed.
his version of love wasn’t love at all.
but in the end, he was the one who always felt fragile and small.
in his home, he orchestrated a monster’s ball.
but his reign…was designed in destruction and destined to fall.
he never had any love in him to give.
i learned how to let him go, how to fully live.
because he never could overcome his fears.
i learned the beauty and value in my tears.
i hope only love finds a way.
i loved myself enough…to choose not to stay.