within

I lost my dad at thirteen…

But I lost him long before…

And all the fantasies in the world will never bring him back…

I wondered what I did wrong…

How I could be abandoned more than twice…

It hurts me to this day…

The wounds dig deep into me…

I kept chasing false hopes…and impossible endings…

But he never returned…

But he was never truly there to begin with…

And maybe it will always hurt a little…

Maybe a part of me will always miss and want him back into my life…

I wanted…I needed a father to look up to.

To feel protected.

To feel safe.

To feel loved.

But instead…

I felt helpless…

I felt scared…

I felt abandoned…

Reality is a hard pill to swallow…

I go back and and forth between tears and laughter, despair and thankfulness…

But I can’t hold on any longer…

My dad is gone.

Alive but disappeared from my life.

And he’s not ever coming back.

It hurts me down to the bone.

It leaves me paralyzed in all the pain.

But…

I’m tired of loving someone, missing someone, who could never truly be there for me.

I need me more than I needed him…

And it hurts me that I hurt myself to chase after him…

In my own way.

All the love and kindness I have to give…

I want to give to those I love, those who can love me back.

I may have lost a father…

But I gained a home…

Within.