I remember the house I grew up in….

But it never felt like home.

The walls encased the perpetual coldness and the floors kept the invisible emptiness…

I was breathing…

I was physically alive….

But I became a shell…

The emotions and feelings and love carved out of me….

By hands I trusted…

By people I loved…

Every insult…

Every let down…

Every mind game….

Every manipulation….

Slowly, carefully, steadily….

Erased me…

Killed me…

Buried me…

The real me.

The imperfect, flawed, passionate, adventurous, smart, lively me.

And I became what he wanted…

Dull, lifeless, manufactured, obedient, quiet, wholesome, dumb….

Because…

If you were me….

Eventually….

You would learn you can’t win…

He won’t stop…

He doesn’t care he’s hurting you…

No one will save you…

No one will interfere….

No one will stand up to him…

He took away my power.

He broke my spirit.

He stole my life.

And he did it with a smile.

He did it with careful hands and perfect words.

And I…

Never knew what was happening….

Never found a way to stop it…

But still I lived…

I found something to live for despite all the darkness around me…

Something he couldn’t touch…

Something he never knew…

Love.

It sounds simple.

It translates as cliché.

But it’s true.

Love saved my life.

Having one single reason to keep going…when everything had been stripped away from me….

Was all I needed to survive.

To keep hoping….

For one day….

One day fear would have no power over me….

One day my real self would return…

And I would promise to take care of myself and love myself for all of my days…

Because my life was never in his hands…

My life was always my own…

And I was worthy of love.

A love he could not give me.

A love he will never truly understand.

A love I would know and cherish one day.

And one day…

Was all I ever needed.

 

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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