he wouldn’t like it if I spoke too loudly….
no, he didn’t like the noise…
he wouldn’t have wanted me to speak my mind…
no, he preferred me quietly playing with simple toys…
he wouldn’t have approved if I pursued my art…
no, it wasn’t a sensible or practical choice….
he wouldn’t have loved me as I was…he’d rather I acted a part….
he didn’t like it when I broke his rules…
no, it wasn’t in his plans….
he didn’t want anything unless it was first his idea and in his own calculated hands…
he had games and games for every day….
but I could never win….
even when I thought I knew the way…
he would add a twisting, deceptive spin…
he wouldn’t have loved me without conditions…
no, that was not his nature…
he was only happy if you smiled in his own little world of fantasy…
one where he was the sole and rightful creator…
I tried to play along, I tried to sit quietly….
but all his rules and control and restrictions…
they only existed to protect him and destroyed the best of me…
fear he knew very well…but he knew nothing of real love and joy…
but underneath it all…
he was just a scared and terrified little boy….
