there’s pain…

there’s memories….

close my eyes and get lost in time and hurt repeatedly….

there are still parts of me that hate you for what you did to me…

there are still parts of me that love you for what you did to me…

at one time…

my whole life and identity revolved around you…

and I don’t take matters carelessly….

I miss this fantasy in my mind of our family….

but the reality never existed outside of fantasy….

and it hurts….

until it heals…

I hate how you never wanted me to feel….

and the way you wanted me to smile when I felt sad…

I hate the times you lost your temper and…

it was scary when you were out of control and mad…

I love the way …

I don’t know if I had any love left for you…

I tried…

oh god I tried…

but the shattered pain tore apart my hopes and dreams….

and you were never the hero I always believed….

love should never feel like this…

there’s more of you to run away from than to truly miss…

and there are still times I wish…

I could have taken away your pain…

but the world around you…

was a place of darkness and never ending rain….

I break down sometimes….

when I think of those nights….

and I kept holding on…

wanting you to one day wake up and realize….

none of this was right….

but you can’t change a person, no matter how hard or long you try…

never once did I see real love and compassion in those empty, pain filled eyes…

and it hurts me to know….

there was no real depth to the love you showed….

all the mind games…

30 years later…

you’re still the same….

the same…

because all my life….

you smiled as you turned the psychological knife….

and it left scars….

when the panic settles in…even when I know you’re far….

I’m tired of doing things your way…

tired of your nightmares controlling all the thoughts I have and the words I say….

for all the power in the world…

your heart was empty, lonely, and impossibly cold…

control, reputation, material riches…

won’t keep you from becoming old….

you’re the hero of every story you’ve ever told…

and that will never change…the cost of your love is too high…

but I can’t help thinking…

of all the precious moments of real love and kindness…

you just let slip by…

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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