lose yourself in what you think is love…

lose yourself in the one you put above…

I need to listen to the voice he silenced long ago…

But punishment and exploitation…

That’s the only life I know…

What does he need…

What does he want…

How can I give up myself to serve another…

But the more I dance around his rage…

My life and love and heart lose all beauty and colors…

I fought for his attention…

I needed him to ease the constant apprehension…

He was the one who validated me…

He was the one who told me of my worth…

He was the one who reminded me I owed him for existing on this earth…

This deathly dynamic…kept me locked within an invisible prison….

For so long…I could only see through his fears and narrow visions…

I didn’t matter to him…no matter what I did, it was wrong…

I felt shame and pain for wanting to dance to my own rhythm and sing my own songs…

I hate that he couldn’t ever give real love or kindness…

I hate how the abuse and mind games left me completely lost, vulnerable, and filled with blindness…

I needed love…

But my whole childhood…

Was in servitude to a selfish, broken boy…

I have to grieve over the reality I was never a person to him…

I was only a disposable, defective, worthless toy….

I feel like he poured his poison and his rage into me day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year….

And I still struggle with the coldness he left me with and the endless amount of fears…

He didn’t have a conscious…he didn’t have a heart….but he could fake one like you couldn’t believe….

The moment you believed and put your faith in him….complete isolation and humiliation is what you inevitably received…

I don’t want his sickness….his messed up methodology….

There’s nothing in him…

That could ever love me or set me free….

He was cruel…

He was ruthless…

He didn’t care how much it hurt…

He would smile and laugh as he served you revenge and murder for dessert…

This relationship I had with him…

Was for over twenty years….

All this time he broke into me and lit fire to my most sacred fears…

And you don’t heal over night…

It takes time, dedication, work to somehow feel safe and like everything’s going to be alright…

Everything’s going to be alright….

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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