I thought it was all normal…

The memories in my head….

But everything about my life back then…

I was always seconds away from being dead….

Not to get too dramatic…at least that’s what he’d say….

I just struggled immensely to get through a single day….

It was normal to have intense, explosive fights that I would never win…

It was normal to feel defeated and depressed and anxious all the time…before the morning begins…

It was normal to have my self worth totally depend upon what kind of mood he was having…

It was normal to feel the sharp sting of his “jokes” and the sound of his purposeful laughing….

It was normal to be silenced about what was deeply precious and important to me…

It was normal for everyone around me to turn away and pretend they could not see….

It was normal for the rain clouds to stay overhead…

It was normal for me to not ever want to leave the safety and security of my own bed….

It was normal for me to panic about the smallest of mistakes…

It was normal to feel as if the tiniest insult and comment could cause me to shatter and break…

It was normal to be backed into a corner with no way out…

It was normal for me to cry and beg and plead and helplessly scream and shout….

It was normal for me to anticipate danger just around the corner, waiting to show up….

It was normal for me to give up everything in me to fill and pour my love into another’s cup…

It was normal to shrink and hide…to try to disappear….

It was normal…it was my life….for so many….many years….

I got used to it because I had to…but poison is poison no matter how it tastes…

Everything he touches….it all falls apart and quickly deteriorates…

You’d think it would be easy to get over…to just erase the pain….

But you’d be surprised how often all your good intentions fall away in vain….

Because repetition and cycling abuse with rewards….it completely cracks and divides your heart….

Your every day becomes surviving and knowing exactly what to say and do perfectly to a scripted, written out part…

And I struggle….I do….

To feel safe and okay with trusting my own heart in what to do….

Some days are easy….

Some days are only painful….

There are times I have to just sit with my emotions…

And think of ways to still be thankful….

But you don’t always win every battle….no matter how hard you try….

Just know you were meant to be more than someone else’s constant supply….

Loving yourself…isn’t easy to do when you have scars….

But in the end…

You decide who you are….

 

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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