I never wanted to go back to that place ever again…

The place where he broke me so many times…

Where even the smallest slight…the tiniest of words could just completely shatter me…

I didn’t ask to be treated this way…

I didn’t sign up to be torn down with every possible method…

There was a breaking point…

And he pushed past it…

A million miles past…

And there’s just a point…

A point you stop caring…

About anything…

About anyone…

Because the hole he put inside you…

Has taken your life…

Your mind…

Your love…

Your heart…

Your soul…

Your laughter…

Your happiness…

Your joy…

Your trust…

Your hopes…

Your dreams…

Your light…

Your air…

Your strength…

Your will….

Your everything…

And you just stop…

Stop caring…

Stop fighting back…

Stop hoping it will one day end….

Stop trying to piece yourself back together again…

Stop wishing someone will save you from the hell he created for you…

Stop crying because there’s no point anymore…

Stop praying for it to all end….

Stop believing there is anything even close to love out there….

Stop looking anyone in the eyes because the shame cuts too deep….

Stop saying anything because it might make him angry….

Stop enjoying anything because it might upset him….

Stop laughing because you know he’ll find a way to make you feel guilty again….

Stop expecting any love….any love at all….

Stop looking upward and believing there was any purpose to your life….

Stop…

Stop everything….

I just wanted to die every single day….

I prayed my life, my world, my heart to just stop…

Because I saw no other way….

I don’t even know how many times I pulled myself, dragged myself, fell out of my own bed…

To face a morning where I knew…

I knew nothing had changed…

I knew he was still the same…

I knew he would break me all over again…

I knew no one would see it…

I knew the scars he left would be invisible..

I knew no one would question him…

I knew he would come after me…

I knew he would make me drink his rage and pain and hatred…

I knew no matter what I did….

No matter what I said…

It was never going to be enough….

It was never going to please him…

It was never going to make it stop…

I knew she wouldn’t do anything to stop it…

I knew..

I knew…

It would never end…

I don’t know how I survived it…

I don’t even know how I am alive today….

Because back then…

Back then every single breath was painful….

Every step I took was hell…

Every little thing was a knife that twisted and turned and buried itself into me…

So I built up walls…

So I built up more walls…

And defenses….

And never trusted anyone….

But when my relationship with him ended….

The pain began to heal….

The tears began to flow….

My emotions returned in intensity….

My heart started to beat again….

Slowly, slowly…

Little by little…

It all began to change….

I made it…

I didn’t let go of hope….

I hung on even when all life and love had abandoned me….

I just told myself…

One more day….

Just get through one more day…..

And one day turned into a week…

And one week turned into one month….

And one month turned into one year….

That was seventeen years ago….

Seventeen years…

Where I chose life…

And it was painful…

And it was a struggle…

And countless times my heart could see no end to the night….

But I got through it…

I survived….

I learned how to live and love and dream again…

And if I could….

You can…

Please don’t ever give up….

Please don’t ever give up….

Because every single life matters….

Every single one…

The world is better because you are here….

I would know your loss….

I would feel it in every part of my body….

I would grieve for you….

I would feel the heaviness of your absence….

I would cry and cry until all my tears could feel the loss of you….

I would know all the pain….

Because you are loved…

You are needed…

You matter…

Your life…

Your happiness…

Your love…

Your dreams…

Your hopes…

Your days…

Your heart….

Matters….

And I never want to see you broken…

And I never want to see you hurting…

And I hope…

You always know…

How much you are loved….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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