miss

I’m more scared of being happy…

Than being a prisoner of guilt…

Because back then…

Every time happiness…

Was followed by….

Desolation of everything I ever built…

I know pain more intimately than I know joy…

And letting myself feel good about anything…

I just wait for him to destroy….

Every time I smiled sincerely…

He pulled me down again with cruel words and silence…

I wish he wanted more from me than my obedience and blind compliance…

But it never was meant to be…

Love isn’t love if…

You’re never really free….

And I hate how I could love someone….when they…

Fight and criticize every thought you think and every word you say…

Peace feels dangerous to me…

Calmness is a foreign place….

I don’t know my own…

But I know every curve and shade of darkness across your face….

Why I keep trying to pull away when you pull me back in…

Am I too naive to think this was a war I could ever fully win…

The more I try to escape my past….the more it tries to take me back…

Too many reminders of my pain and the qualities I always lack…

He could spin a lie like no other I know….

And all his pretty sounding words and promises….are all just for show…

I can’t trust anyone like this…

How can you heal from someone you want to not miss…

Just tell me there’s nothing there to miss…