I loved my dad….

I still do…

I loved him after every single fight….

Begging him to see me but he looked right through….

After every accusation and manipulation…

After every painful sleepless night and devaluation…

Because I thought I could love him long enough for him to change…

Relived the trauma and abuse….but I struggled for decades to turn the page…

Closure couldn’t be found in his arms but my own…

Healing and grieving is a personal journey we all take alone…

I loved him…I loved a person who hurt me without any remorse in his eyes…

I loved him….a human who fell victim in believing his own misguided lies…

And in the back of my mind I wonder if I’m just repeating old inherited patterns…

Back then nothing I said or did or loved ever mattered….

But I am not him and me loving a person who could only give back pain…

Filled my entire heart and soul with endless days of silent rain…

I still wish him every happiness…

I still wish there wasn’t a part of him to miss…

If I could say one thing to him I would say….

I love you dad…

I wish a real loving relationship was what we could have had…

But I hope you find peace where ever you are…

Even a world away…

Love is never really too far….

Posted by:Lauren Kim

🦋 I write my own stories, breathing in life & love by my heart's endless daydreams.

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