I loved my dad….
I still do…
I loved him after every single fight….
Begging him to see me but he looked right through….
After every accusation and manipulation…
After every painful sleepless night and devaluation…
Because I thought I could love him long enough for him to change…
Relived the trauma and abuse….but I struggled for decades to turn the page…
Closure couldn’t be found in his arms but my own…
Healing and grieving is a personal journey we all take alone…
I loved him…I loved a person who hurt me without any remorse in his eyes…
I loved him….a human who fell victim in believing his own misguided lies…
And in the back of my mind I wonder if I’m just repeating old inherited patterns…
Back then nothing I said or did or loved ever mattered….
But I am not him and me loving a person who could only give back pain…
Filled my entire heart and soul with endless days of silent rain…
I still wish him every happiness…
I still wish there wasn’t a part of him to miss…
If I could say one thing to him I would say….
I love you dad…
I wish a real loving relationship was what we could have had…
But I hope you find peace where ever you are…
Even a world away…
Love is never really too far….
