I finally figured it out…
Though it took some time…
I know now why I lost myself in addictions & useless escapes…
In this fantasy I created I fell in love with pain and called it mine….
But all my heart wanted was to protect me from truly seeing what was there all along…
If I blame myself for the abuse…
It meant I didn’t have to see the darkness of what you did to me…
It meant…
I could lay in shame for abandoned nights and endless cruel days…
If it was my fault for it all…
I didn’t have to accept that a person I loved would never really change….
No matter how beautiful their promises…
Or empty their gifts were…
The love they gave was really not love at all…
But a sweet poison….
That would never kill me…
But one that would make me want more…
More of the pain…
Believing it would eventually lead to you loving me…
Saving me…
But I needed to be saved from you….
From you….
Lauren Kim Art 