now

My tears are colored with anger, pain, grief, sorrow, despair, relief, hope, love… Everything in between… I loved you. I hated you. I feared you…. But now… When I think of you I don’t imagine this invincible man who had all the power in the world…. I see a scared, broken boy….who never healed the…

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rest

it bothers me that I could love someone that hurt me…. as if there’s something wrong with me…. but I never knew it was pain… when it was mixed with toxic love…. I feel guilty for caring for you… ashamed as you throw me away… I feel even worse that I saw for a time…

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free

Days go by…. Love finds a way to fly….. And even though I know I’m not perfect… There’s no one else I’d rather be…. Because the more I fall in love with me…. The higher I feel… With the feeling of being free…

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life of love

the trauma changed my life…. took away any sense of safety and security…. left me in a confusing haze…. but the hard part of healing is realizing…. I never felt safe…. My life was a distorted, helpless maze…. But now everything is different…. Because I’m not a victim…. And I’m not afraid… Yes… He hurt…

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free

you didn’t always love me kindly…. you didn’t always hold me close…. the trauma changed me…. the tears and the guards I put up…. don’t give away easily…. every protective measure…. every wall…. to protect myself…. to survive…. but surviving isn’t the same as living…. isn’t the same as loving… trust doesn’t evolve overnight…. love…

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here

underneath the fear…. beneath the tears…. is a panic that runs wild and uncontrolled…. any hint… any indication of change…. spikes the fear of death in me… because this was how I survived…. this was how I made it through…. but it took a fatal cost…. and the more I hold onto the past… the…

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letter to me

why can’t I love you? why is it so hard….. why can’t I accept you? why do I treat you without regard…. I used to close my eyes to hate you…. and lied to myself to just get through…. I was never loved for who I was…. they put me down and controlled me just…

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