if I….

if I said the right words… maybe you wouldn’t get so angry at times…. if I did all the right things… maybe it wouldn’t feel like I’m always guilty of a crime… love by you was always walking on thin ice…. I never knew when or how it would break…. but it was fragile and…

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I never loved you….

I never loved you… But I loved a fantasy of you…. The one I painted over the real you to…. Survive… The painful truth is… I never knew you…. The real you… And I kept holding onto the fantasy… Until my fingers bled with your own blood…. And I lost myself in the lies and…

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ever since

it was easier when I could place every reason for my pain on you…. back then I didn’t have to look in the mirror and face the bitter truth… you might have been the one who hurt me originally…. but I’ve been my own best enemy ever since… until I learned how to love myself…

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pain

pain… you were all I ever felt… I built my world around you until… the walls disappeared and I could feel my defenses melt… fear was real and I held it in my heart…. but it tore my life and dreams completely apart…. pain… you were always there for me… but you held me forever…

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more and more of me

I had to heal from you…. Then heal from me… Saying goodbye to the parts I no longer need… I grew up in dysfunction and dependency… But in my heart I never… Felt free… And I’m cutting off the sides of me that grew to love…. The pain and toxicity…. Everyday I try to forgive…

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free

I still have my good days and my bad…. I’m learning to embrace the pain and stop running away from feeling sad… There once was a hole in my heart that nothing could ever fill… But the emptiness slowly began to disappear as I stopped and stayed still…. I started to listen to the voice…

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letting go

I still hear your condescending tone in his voice….even when it’s not there…. I still feel the tension in my nerves….even when I know I’m safe… I still lose myself to anxiety and panic….when there’s nothing to be afraid of… It takes a long time to let go…. Every day I’m still letting go….

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